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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24804982">Box Up My Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeviSqueaks/pseuds/LeviSqueaks'>LeviSqueaks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon reliant, Drinking as a coping skill, F/M, Invasion of Privacy, Jess ain't great at it either, M/M, Sam Winchester sucks at communicating, Secrets, Whump, Wincest - Freeform, not entirely canon compliant though</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:14:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,284</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24804982</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeviSqueaks/pseuds/LeviSqueaks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Moving in with Sam had been perfect. They were living the life at Stanford with the world and their futures spread before them for the taking. But sometimes Sam was swallowed up in pain, whiskey, and knives instead of sweet dreams. </p><p>One day Jessica stumbles across a secret Sam had been hiding for years and the darkness that takes over him begins to make sense. </p><p>Especially when they get an unexpected late-night visitor and she witnesses a secret kiss.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Dean and Sam Bingo, Sam Winchester Bingo, Wincest Reverse Bang</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Box Up My Heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story was inspired by the fantastic and amazing artwork by TxDorA for the Wincest Reversebang.</p><p>Also counts for the Bisexual Sam square on Sam Winchester Bingo and the College AU Square of DeanandSam bingo</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>All things considered, moving in with Sam had been the easiest decision that Jessica had ever made.</p><p>Granted, he tended to stay up obsessively late when he was working and he never seemed satisfied with his assignments. He was cleaner than she was, almost obsessive with keeping the dishes washed and the towels off the floor. He had a spectacularly judgy face when she let her mess get out of hand, but he wasn’t mean about it. She didn’t think Sam had a mean bone in his body.</p><p>There were times when her heart ached about it. Sam had moved in with a backpack, three boxes and a duffle bag—the full sum of his earthly belongings. He had unpacked and nested., His battered ancient laptop went on the desk and a picture frame of him as a younger kid with his older brother went on his night stand. His wardrobe filled three drawers in the dresser but none of the closet. He unpacked two boxes of books that quickly filled the battered bookshelf that they had freecycled from someone’s curb. The last box had gone up on the top shelf in the closet, never touched.</p><p>Jess watched as Sam blossomed in their home. At first he had resisted it. He never bought things for himself and wore clothes until they had holes in them. He layered with hoodies and flannel rather than buy a coat. He frequently struggled with spending money to eat out or go to the movies.</p><p>But slowly, he began to relax.</p><p>Sam had grown and blossomed with the stability of college life. He began eating better, started a running routine in the mornings, and even coaxed Jess into starting a yoga routine after trying it and falling in love with the mindfulness of it.</p><p>Sam never seemed to mind her moods or her ideas of decorating. Whenever she would buy something for the house he would stare at it thoughtfully, like he didn’t know what to do with more stuff. He had come home one day in February to find pink paper-mache hearts and a few stuffed animals around the house and had kissed her hair after spending several moments looking over the apartment in wonder. She wondered if he hated it, not sure how to take his quiet acknowledgement. He didn’t really seem to react, maintaining his schedule and staying out late to study at the library, working at the same feverish pace. She wondered if he didn’t realize or if he didn’t care but she didn’t need to worry it turned out. She had woken up on the 14th with Sam shyly offering her a bouquet of tulips, a box of chocolates and a small silver bracelet with a heart clasp.</p><p>“Sam?”</p><p>He just gave her a shy smile and flipped shaggy hair out of his eyes. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Jess. I hope this is okay?”</p><p>She crawled out of bed and grabbed his cheeks to kiss him deeply. “It’s perfect.”</p><p>And it really was.</p><p>Even the small fights and the bitchy faces and the irritation that he was always gone, washed away. At the end of the day, he always crawled into bed with her, curled around her and she never felt safer than when she was in his arms.</p><p>It didn’t always last though, and those were the days that hurt Jessica’s heart the most. The nights where she would wake up to find Sam missing from their bed. He never left the apartment, but he would sneak away, unable to sleep. She went in search of him the first time, and stumbled across him sitting at the little dining room table. His face was drawn tight, wet tracks down his face and a butterfly knife flicking and flipping in his hand mindlessly as he sipped a glass of whiskey. It had terrified her the first time she had seen it. “Sam?”</p><p>He had stiffened and the knife had flipped quicker than she could follow until it was closed and on the table, “Did I wake you?”</p><p>He slugged back the whiskey, then held his arm out for her as she approached. She hadn’t ever seen him like this, he usually didn’t drink more than a single beer. She hugged him tightly and he curled himself around her, tense and quiet, “Are you okay, Sam?”</p><p>He nodded once and refilled his glass silently, eyes refusing to lift and meet her own, “I’m fine.”</p><p>Jess didn’t believe it, but didn’t push the issue and Sam didn’t pick up the glass. She took it then and sipped it, wrinkling her nose at the strong alcohol with no mixer. She reached down to pick up the knife and he stiffened as she eyed it. “I didn’t know you had a knife,” she spoke carefully, not really asking a question but the curiosity clear.</p><p>Sam’s hand shifted and pulled it from her hands carefully, his fingers insistent as he dragged it from her hand. “Careful, it’s a balisong,” he cautioned and then twirled it so she could see the quick flash of a blade as it shifted around his hand before closing again.</p><p>She watched it happen and settled back against his chest. “Do you ever cut yourself?”</p><p>He chuckled and flipped it open again, gripping it so the blade was pointed out and then closed it again before putting it on the table and spreading his hand. The scars across his fingers suddenly made so much more sense and she felt a cold pit settle in her stomach.</p><p>“Not anymore,” he muttered.</p><p>After that, Jessica would shift when he climbed from bed. She didn’t always follow him, but she saw just how much it happened. Nightmares that would startle him awake. A jerk followed by slow exhales in the dark before he slipped from beneath the covers. Anytime she followed, she would find him with a drink in hand and a knife flashing between his fingers.</p><p>The year passed, and Jess decorated for all of the holidays, laughing at his confusion each time he came home to find new themed decorations thrown around their apartment. But, after the shock came a soft, fond smile that Jess treasured. Once, she had been cooking in the kitchen and he had come up behind her, wrapping long arms around her waist. She settled back against his broad chest and sighed a little in happiness as he curled himself around her body and kissed her neck.</p><p>“Thank you,” he spoke quietly against her skin. She wondered what part he was talking about. Whether it was the quiet nights, the decorations, or the questions she held at bay. It didn’t matter, she just rested her head back on his shoulder to look up at him with a wide smile. His lips lifted in response and he shook his head and kissed her forehead, refusing to elaborate.</p><p>Even those nights didn’t erase the sweetness of her Sam. The way that he would light up with a smile when he caught sight of her sent sparks through her spine. The way his eyes would shine with mischief right before he let a joke pass his lips sent warmth cascading through her limbs. He was sweet and kind and perfect.</p><p>But there were those flashes, those edges, that reminded her of the bad nights. The way his eyes scanned every room he entered, the way he would hold himself predator-still when someone would throw an insult, right before he laughed and relaxed. His intensity when a sound startled him. Those little ways that he proved there was much more to him than met the eye.</p><p>Brady had invited them all out a week before halloween to a local bar and Jess had tugged a protesting Sam away from his books. “Jess come on, I’ve got a test in two days!”</p><p>Jess glared up at him, heedless of the protests falling from his lips. “I don’t care, Sam! You’ve been stuck in your books for literally the past two months and we haven’t gone out in weeks. We’re going out, you need a break.”</p><p>That epic bitchy expression graced his face as he shoved his hands into his pockets and stopped protesting, though his shoulders hadn’t relaxed on the way to the bar, or when they had gotten drinks, or when they had sat down. It wasn’t until Brady and Josh ribbed Sam and suggested that he try darts with them, “Come on Sam, I’ll show you how it’s done,” Josh joked.</p><p>The shift in Sam’s demeanor took Jessica’s breath away. The tension melted from his shoulders, a gleam entered his gaze and his chin lifted, eyes focused on Josh before he lifted his beer to take a long sip, “Sure,” he agreed calmly. Jessica watched him, eyes narrowing in interest. Sam had never played darts before and never seemed interested in the games. And now he had that same intensity that made her think of whiskey and flashing knives.</p><p>Sam stood and followed Josh and Brady, the cock to his head appearing earnest as Josh explained how to grip the dart and throw it. Jessica narrowed her eyes and took a sip of her own drink and watched him, curious.</p><p>“Like this?” Sam asked as he threw the dart and they watched as it hit the edge of the target.</p><p>“Hey man, not bad, not bad!” John said with a laugh, “You hit the target at least. Want to go up against us or keep trying a bit?”</p><p>Sam’s lips twitched as his eyes narrowed. Jessica knew that look. It was the look he got right before he tore an argument apart in class. “Let’s go man! Are we playing for anything?”</p><p>Jess shifted in her seat and narrowed her eyes, watching as Josh and Brady laughed and patted his shoulders. “Alright, five darts ease, whoever has the most points gets free drinks for the rest of the night,” Josh suggested with a smirk, even as Brady shook his head.</p><p>“Sam you don’t gotta take that bet, man.” Brady laughed, but Sam waved him off.</p><p>Jess felt her stomach clench as Sam smiled at Josh, an edge to it that sent visions of blades dancing in the air through her mind, “You’ve got yourself a bet. You go first.”</p><p>Josh laughed and took his place, settling in and throwing his darts. He came close to the center, getting the outer ring of it and several of the other closer rings. Brady shook his head and patted Sam’s shoulder as he went to sit next to Jessica. “Looks like Sam’s about to be broke,” he said as they watched Josh retrieve the darts for Sam.</p><p>Jess shook her head and sipped her beer. “No… I don’t think so.”</p><p>Sam turned and caught her eye, mischief in his own as she blew him a kiss before he turned back to the board and settled into that same predator stillness. She took a breath and held it as his hand came up, his body shifting before he threw the first dart and it hit dead center.</p><p>“Fuck!” Brady hissed as Sam’s hand moved quickly and the other four darts settled one by one in the bullseye. Jess felt her own lips spread in a smile as Sam suddenly came back to life, turning a grin at Josh while Brady exploded into laughter.</p><p>“I’ll take a coke, thanks Josh,” Sam said as a smirk crossed his face. Jessica laughed brightly and dragged him close for a kiss.</p><p>When they finally stumbled home, Jessica pushed him back against the door and kissed him with everything she had. He responded in kind, but there were still shadows on his face. She wasn’t surprised to wake up from a post-sex nap at two in the morning to find the bed cold next to her.</p><p>She slipped out into the kitchen and found him slouched at the table, legs splayed wide and angled toward the window. Rather than drinking and flipping his usual balisong, he stared out of the window, a wicked hunting knife absently digging a gouge into the wood of the table. Sam didn’t shift to acknowledge her entrance, eyes focused on nothing and the blade flashing in the light sent unease sliding down her spine.</p><p>She didn’t interrupt.</p><p>The next morning, Sam woke her up with a parfait and a kiss as he toweled his hair off from his shower. “Don’t forget class,” he reminded her before she silenced him with another kiss.</p><p>She sat up and watched as he quickly dressed, worn layers hiding warm skin from her eyes. “I won’t. Hey do you know where the Halloween decorations are?”</p><p>He shrugged as he grabbed his backpack and slung it on his back. “I don’t know, probably in the closet somewhere. I’d look under all the other decorations.” he teased her and tossed a sharpie onto the bed. “Maybe label the boxes so you can find them easier?”</p><p>“Ha, ha, very funny,” she said though her lips curled up in response to his sarcastic jab and she stole a bite of her parfait. He flashed another grin, the knives and flashes of danger and pain gone in the morning light. She watched him go and sat thinking about how different he looked out of the shadows before pushing herself from the bed. She had to get to class, then she could come home and think about Sam and the shadows and Halloween.</p><p>The day passed in a blur and she couldn’t remember a bit of the class she attended. She got home and turned on the music, grabbing herself a glass of the whiskey that lived under the sink and moved into the bedroom to find the decorations. She knew the decorations were in a box in the closet because after each holiday, Sam gamely packed them up for her and shoved the boxes in the top of the closet above their clothes.</p><p>She dragged in one of the chairs, slugging back some of the whiskey before setting it on one of the shelves and dug into the first box. Fourth of July. She sighed and labeled it before dropping it down and dragging the next box up to check. It was thanksgiving. How did 4th of July get on top of Thanksgiving instead of Memorial Day or Valentine’s Day? She groaned and marked it before shoving it down on the other side. She was going to have to reorganize them all too.</p><p>Four boxes later and she was beginning to wonder if Sam had hidden the decorations away somewhere. She sighed in exasperation and grabbed the last box in the stack, wobbling a bit in the chair due to how much heavier it was than all of the others had been. Curious, she dragged it down and stepped down from the chair to drag it out and put it on the desk by the bed. She wandered back to snag her drink before opening it, hoping it was the halloween decorations and the extra weight was that cauldron she vaguely remembered grabbing at the thrift store.</p><p>She unfolded the top, and peeked in, frowning when she pulled out an old map. Curious, she shifted the box to the desk chair so that she could unfold it. Cocking her head to the side, she unfolded it carefully across the desk, staring at the little red dots, pencil marks, and blue circles across the United States. She traced several of them, seeing the notes in one or two places, 88, 91, 93, 96, 97, 99… dates with no explanation. Okay. This was not her box of Halloween decorations. Peeking back into the box, she saw books instead of skeletons.</p><p>Jess drained her drink and mindlessly set it down on the nightstand before tugging one of the books out and peering at it. It looked ancient and she flipped it open, staring in shock at the hand-written text and the latin she found inside. “What the hell?” she muttered and set it aside carefully before pulling out another old book, this one labeled with something that looked like Nordic Runes on the cover. Flipping it open, she peered at the incomprehensible runes and closed it, staring down at it in confusion. “What the fuck is this, Sam?” She muttered it to herself, knowing she was going to have to interrogate him about it all later.</p><p>She dug in and found three more books, more like diaries with their small size. She couldn’t get much out of them, so overwhelmed with all of the secrets she was finding that she couldn’t make out much. They looked like journals about mythological creatures - vampires, ghosts, and demons. Or at least, that’s what the odd notes in her boyfriend’s handwriting said tucked between the pages. She stared at them and put them on the growing stack before staring into the box.</p><p>She frowned and cocked her head at the bundle of cloth before pulling it out and feeling a shock of terror as she drew out a pistol from the box and carefully set it aside. She felt bile rising and took a step away, breathing in and out slowly as she tried to calm the racing thoughts in her head. She took her glass and walked to the kitchen, pausing to pace back to the bedroom before returning to the kitchen.</p><p>What the hell was this box and what had she just uncovered about Sam? She thought she knew him. With his yoga and running and salads and pre-law program. Now she was finding out that he was some gun wielding mythology fan who could read Latin? She stared at the dining room table where she frequently found him with his drinks and knives and swallowed down a little pained sound before refilling her glass and returning to the bedroom.</p><p>She breathed in and out a couple of times before looking into the cardboard box and finding an old metal box. It looked like an ornamental chest and she lifted it by the handle on the top, finding it was heavier than it looked and covered in old leather straps that were bolted down. She fiddled with it before realizing it was locked. She grumbled to herself and set it down on the map covered desk. The box didn’t reveal anything else beyond a soft black jewelry box that she pulled out, finding an old rosary inside. A flask, and a few old drawings that she set aside.</p><p>She picked up the box again and tilted it to peer at the lock, hearing a soft click inside, and she frowned as she wiggled it and recognized it was locked tight. She sat on the bed with the box in her lap before remembering the key she had found once when she had been cleaning out the drawers. She put the box down and hurried over to the dresser, dragging open the top drawer to dig for it. She shivered as she came across two wicked-looking knives before finding the old mint tin and tugging it out, opening it to pull the ornate silver key from it. He had laughed it off when she had found it after he had moved in, and she hadn’t asked, but now… she had to know.</p><p>Part of her that felt guilty as she lifted the box and slid the key inside. Jess wondered if she should put it all up and pretend she hadn’t found any of it. But she had to know. Needed to understand. She took a breath and turned the key, hearing the old scrape and click of the lock turning and exhaled as she opened the box.</p><p>Peering inside she found a stack of photographs and something inside of her unclenched even as the old familiar ache settled. Sam never talked about his family. The first few photographs were creased and a little faded, like they had been handled frequently. They showed a beautiful blonde and a dark-haired man that stared at her like she hung the moon. There were several more, of them a little older with a small tawny haired toddler, and finally two with a small baby cradled in the woman’s arms. Jess ran a finger over the photo and smiled sadly.</p><p>The next photo showed the two boys, considerably older, with the younger beaming as he clutched a backpack, the older boy sadder with an arm wrapped around the younger boy’s shoulders. Jess looked over to the side table where Sam had placed the framed picture of him and Dean. She set those aside and dragged out the next set, which were taken with a polaroid, and flipped them over, a sharp inhale dragging through her teeth as she stared down at them. She flipped through the pictures with numb fingers as she stared down at the candid photos of Sam with a handsome man. The first just had them hugging each other close, but there was something in Sam’s eyes as he curled his own arms around the ones holding him close. The next two were worse. One of the boys sleeping on a couch, another where Sam was sidled up with an arm around the other man’s waist and whispering into his ear. The last one of Sam naked in the bed, his head curled up on the other man’s chest, both men sleepily smiling up at the camera. The last of Sam’s body from the hips up, taken during a moment of intimacy.</p><p>It dragged a sob from her throat.</p><p>Jess quickly put the photos back in the box and locked it, her hands trembling as she gripped the metal box and tried to drag her thoughts and tears under control. It… it was fine. Sam had obviously not meant her to find these, or he wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of hiding the key away and the rest in the box. It was why he hadn’t told her about his old boyfriend. And the man was obviously an older boyfriend, because Sam was younger in the photos. She grabbed her drink and slammed the whiskey back, wincing at the burn as she struggled to swallow it down. She had to put it all away. She had to put it up… Sam couldn’t find her like this.</p><p>Jess numbly repacked the box, fingering the rosary and putting it all back into the box, carefully folding up the map to set in the top of the box before refolding the top to shut it and carry it back into the closet. She was panting by the time the box was buried under all of the other decoration boxes and she wiped her eyes quickly as she stared up at it. She lifted a hand to mark it with the sharpie before letting her hand fall again and she grabbed the next box, dragging it down and laughing bitterly at the plastic skeleton that stared up at her blankly.</p><p>She barely remembered decorating the apartment. It happened in a haze of questions and fears that riddled her mind while she busied her hands with hanging the fake spider webbing and putting the skeletons out on a few of the end tables. She was in the middle of throwing a frozen lasagna in the oven when the door opened and shut.</p><p>“Jess?”</p><p>She swallowed, staring out at the dining room table, knives flashing between fingers and she jumped as arms curled around her waist and a kiss was planted on her shoulder. “Woah, are you okay?” Sam asked behind her.</p><p>Jess turned and flashed him a wide grin. “Yeah, of course.”</p><p>He stared down at her, brown eyes flecked with blue and gold shimmering as he bent to kiss her, lips curved in a smile. “Yeah? You sure about that? You look a little pale,” he muttered softly.</p><p>She shook her head and looped her arms around his shoulders, hugging him tight. “I’m sure,” she promised, the words tasting like ash on her tongue. “Just a long day. Want to pick a movie out while I make the salad?”</p><p>Sam shrugged and nodded as he left her with another squeeze.</p><p>It wasn’t until they were in bed, hidden in the darkness that Jessica felt she could even come close to asking some of the questions burning in her mind. She wasn’t sure how to broach it. How did she do this? How did she ask him all that she wanted to know? ‘What happened to your family, Sam. Why don’t you ever talk about them?’ ‘Why do you sometimes look like demons are clawing out of your stomach when you can’t sleep at night?’ ‘Do you speak Latin?’ ‘Why do you have books about ghosts?’</p><p>‘Who is the man in those photos?’</p><p>She scrubbed a hand over her face and shifted in bed to face him, taking in his strong profile, the angles and edges of his face. “Hey Sam?”</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>She bit her lip, fear gripping her as she tried to voice all of the unanswered questions. “Have you ever thought about a threesome?”</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Sam’s eyes blinked open and he turned to stare at her in confusion, a grin spreading over his lips. “What?”</p><p>She cleared her throat and tried not to slap herself. What the fuck was that, Jessica Moore? “I uh… hah… never mind.”</p><p>Sam laughed softly and reached over to pet her hair back from her face. “No seriously, what?”</p><p>Jess flushed and kissed his hand before clearing her throat. “Uh like… I mean I’ve thought about it… being with another girl… or um… another guy. Have you ever… like… with another guy?”</p><p>That deadly predator-still sinks down over Sam’s body and he goes quiet and calm. Still enough that she couldn’t even see him breathing. “Uh…”</p><p>She stuttered trying to figure out how to ease into the question before a quiet but even “no” sounded. She knew better than to push or ask anything else.</p><p>He cleared his throat and turned to roll over, facing away from her with a muttered goodnight that she quietly echoed. She laid silently in bed, carefully shifting to her back so she wasn’t staring at him and settled into the deadly quiet of the room. The time settled and shifted around them until at last she heard a soft sniffle. It had been nearly an hour of silence between them before she heard it but she couldn’t sleep and the muffled sound of his tears broke her heart. She didn’t move, didn’t reach out, didn’t know how to bridge the chasm between them. She could do nothing but listen to him weep in near silence beside her.</p><p>She didn’t breathe a word in response.</p><p>The rest of the week flew by in a fractured blur. She couldn’t bring herself to bring up that night, and Sam studiously pretended the tension didn’t exist. They spent their nights together, but the distance was still there, even when she plastered her body against his.</p><p>Sam got his LSAT scores and the tension broke as they celebrated.</p><p>Brady called them up to go out for the Halloween party and Jess hoped it would be the last straw that broke through the quiet that had fallen over them. “Sam! Get a move on, would ya? We were supposed to be there like fifteen minutes ago!” she demanded as she shoved an earring through her ear and glanced at the photo on the dresser that had appeared suddenly the week before. It was one of his mom and dad that he refused to talk about. “Sam! Are you coming or what?</p><p>“Do I have to?” Sam groaned from the doorway, a put-upon sigh heaving itself from him as she crossed the room from the closet in her nurse costume.</p><p>She turned to grin at him after she finished applying her lipstick and nodded her head, “Yes!” she said, fond exasperation coloring her tone as she grinned up at him. “It will be fun,” she insisted.</p><p>He approached with a put upon smile. She looked him up and down and shook her head, “And where’s your costume?” she demanded with a growing smirk.</p><p>Sam sighed again and chuckled under his breath, “You know how I feel about Halloween.” Jess stared at him, eyes roaming over his layered clothes, the jean jacket she had bought him hugging the tight planes of his body.</p><p>“Fine,” she sighed as if conceding a huge victory. “But you’ll owe me, later.” she said and teased a finger down his stomach, beaming as a little bit of that edge creeped into his returning smile and silent nod.</p><p>The party passed in a blur of too many shots, some appropriate bragging of Sam’s LSAT prowess and his quiet admission to Josh that he was going to be interviewing for a position at Stanford Law. It swelled that possessive fire in Jessica’s belly, and eased some of that residual fear that she had pushed too far. But it appeared that she didn’t need to worry any longer because Sam was there, dancing with her, and drinking with their friends and then desperate and demanding when they got home as he paid up what he ‘owed’ her by not wearing his costume. A fantastic night for a fantastic day.</p><p>Jessica let the quiet surround them after they were done, drowsing in bed. Her body ached with a delicious soreness and she relished it as she settled next to Sam. There was a soft sound that barely registered, but it caught her attention as Sam jerked beside her before that predator stillness settled around him like a cloak. Jess stayed silent, straining to hear another sound, but it wasn’t until Sam pushed the covers off and crept up and out of bed that fear ratcheted in her heart. Sam crept out of the room, a glint of a knife catching the glow of the nightlight in the bathroom as he passed out of the door, silent as a ghost.</p><p>Jess frowned and got out of bed to follow him. She had never actually seen Sam slip out to drink, but this didn’t seem right. She crept closer to the door and eased out behind it as she saw Sam curl around the corner. There was a flurry of movement faster than she could see as Sam lunged forward toward a shadow she barely caught and a furious fight erupted.</p><p>Jessica froze as Sam kicked at the man, fists and feet flying, Sam landing a blow before getting grabbed and slammed down into the ground, the knife skittering away toward Jessica where she hid in the shadows.</p><p>"Woah easy, Tiger!"</p><p>"Dean?"</p><p>Sam sank into the floor, that fury in his body melting and Jessica was about to call out, but stood instead, frozen. Dean chuckled as Sam mumbled something, his hand coming up to grip at the hand around his throat and Jess nearly took a step forward when she saw the hand tighten around his neck and Sam grunted, pushing up against it.</p><p>She swallowed around the lump in her throat as she watched Sam’s expression flit between emotions before Dean bent down and kissed him demandingly, drawing a moan from her boyfriend. The moan was all it took for Dean’s other hand to fist in Sam’s hair and rock his body against Sam’s.</p><p>Sam was panting when Dean pulled back, his chest heaving with it and the sight of him took Jessica’s breath away. “You’re out of practice,” Dean whispered and Sam’s face flashed in fury before his body was quickly moving, gripping with his thighs and arms bulging as he slammed his brother down onto the floor, straddling him before he pressed down and slotting his lips against Dean’s with a groan.</p><p>Jessica drew a ragged breath in as tears filled her eyes a bit. Dean was running his hands up to cup Sam's ass, and was murmuring to him, telling him how much he had missed him. It was almost sweet. But Jess was freaking out because this was the man from the photos. This was the man that Sam had been kissing and cuddling and fucking. This was the man she had alluded to that had Sam weeping in misery for hours earlier in the week.</p><p>And it was Sam’s brother.</p><p>Not knowing how to handle it but knowing she couldn’t watch another second of Sam looking so happy, she edged backwards to the door and then walked forward, watching from the shadows. She cleared her throat and let her footfalls get heavy, catching Sam ripping himself away from Dean before she stepped into the doorway. She reached in with shaking hands through the doorway as Dean muttered “Get off me”.</p><p>Jess hesitated for just a moment, a breath of time and flicked the light on, “Sam?”</p><p>Sam stared at her, eyes haunted, worried, and he managed a shuddering breath as he tried to brush it off. “Jess, hey…”</p><p>She feels disconnected through the awkward introduction, Sam panicked as he introduced his brother, Dean. She felt a rush of panic and fear as Dean flirted with her, eyes wandering as he let jokes fall, but she’d seen the difference and saw that it was a screen. The smile didn't reach his eyes and Sam stared at Dean with a lingering gaze.</p><p>Jess was so entranced with watching Sam stare at Dean that the conversation they were sharing couldn’t cut through the rush in her ears. Her mind was so caught up in the spin that she barely registered he words that made Sam still beside her from Dean. "Dad hasn't been home in a few days."</p><p>Sam bit his lip, staring at Dean as the older man’s green eyes cut through her boyfriend. “Dad’s on a hunting trip… and he hasn’t been home in a few days.” A deafening silence echoed between them all before Sam turned and met her eyes.</p><p>Jess stared up at him and saw the shadows creeping across his face. “Jess, excuse us,” he said, and his tone and body language all but screamed that she needed to leave. She stared up at him and then over at Dean before nodding faintly in agreement. She could see how Dean was angled toward Sam, the solmenty on his face, the way Sam’s expression hardened.</p><p>“I’ll just… go put something on,” she said faintly, ignoring the previous conversation with Dean. He didn’t protest this time, and she turned back into the dark hallway, hearing the creak of floorboards as Sam turned to Dean and they began talking quietly.</p><p>Jess felt numb as she settled herself on the bed with a pair of shorts in her hand. She wanted to pull them on, go make coffee, do something. She looked over at the closet, the open door providing just a glimpse of that one box and she swallowed down a sob that threatened to erupt.</p><p>Seeing it welled that sense of helplessness and anger at the secrets and before she knew it she was up and stalking to the closet. She stared up at the box, dread cutting her from the inside as her stomach ached from it all. She dropped the shorts and reached up for the box, dragging it down. Motionless, mindless of the crashing of the other boxes and stared at it in her hands, frozen in place.</p><p>She was so absorbed in the weight of it in her hands, the decoration boxes that had been on top of it scattered at her feet, that she missed Sam entering the bedroom and going to the dresser. She took in another shuddering breath and called out to him, awareness rushing over her as she heard the dresser drawer close, rage following.</p><p>She pushed the box to sit on another for a moment and stepped out to confront him in time to see a wicked looking knife slip into his bag. “Wait… you’re taking off?” her eyes followed the glint of the blade as it disappeared. Her eyes flashed up to his face, measuring him. Searching. “Is this about your dad?” She kept her tone even despite the anger bubbling up in her chest and twisting her stomach, “Is he alright?” Come on Sam… don’t lie about it.</p><p>Her eyes evaluated his face, watching, seeing the colder glint in his eyes that didn’t match the easy smile crossing his face. She was getting played. Just like Josh and Brady with the darts. “Yeah. You know, just a little family drama.”</p><p>Family drama? Like the hidden box of books and locked up pictures of him and Dean?<br/>
“But your brother said he was on some kind of hunting trip.” She crossed over to sit on the bed and peeked down at the bag, seeing the glint of the blades inside.<br/>
Sam was bustling at the dresser again and Jess clenched her fists in her lap as she stared over at the box, barely visible in the closet. “Ah yeah, he’s just deer hunting up at the cabin and he’s probably got Jim, Jack, and Jose along with him.”</p><p>His tone was wry as he shoved some clothes in the backpack without folding them. Jess found it profoundly sad that this was the first time he’d ever actually said more than a few words about his family. “We’re just going to go bring him back,” Sam muttered, refusing to meet her eyes.</p><p>Jess took a measured breath, her jaw clenching so tight her teeth ached and spasmed in response, “What about the interview?” she demanded. What about her? Was he really just going to walk out?</p><p>Sam scoffed as he zipped up the bag, eyes avoiding her own, “I’ll make the interview,” he insisted, but his tone was off. Stilted. Forced. Lies. “This is only for a couple days.” He laughed it off, grabbing the bag as he walked toward the door.</p><p>Jess felt like each step toward the door was a step away from her. The chasm that had started growing when she had asked that question a week ago loomed wide. A maw ready to swallow Sam up in shadows and spinning blades and steal him away from her. Back to Dean. “Sam, I mean, please.” He took another step, shoulders taut and she felt that rage bubble up again. “Just stop for a second!”</p><p>Sam paused and turned to stare at her but the shadows were creeping closer in. She wanted to rage and yell and confront him but there was something vulnerable there and the words that came out weren’t what she meant, “You sure you’re okay?”</p><p>That calculating gleam, the mask of shadows fell over him as he met her eyes. Liar. “Hey everything’s going to be okay. I promise,” he assured as he bent down to kiss her cheek and quickly turned to walk out of the bedroom door.</p><p>The rage was welling again along with fear gripping her stomach. If he walked out, she didn’t think he would walk back. “At least tell me where you’re going!” she demanded and when she got no reply she lost it. “SAM!” Darting forward, she followed him into the hallway, “So that’s it? Dean shows up and you’re going to leave?”</p><p>Sam turned to stare at her and his expression was guarded, the cut of his jaw stubborn, “Dean’s my brother… and he needs my help.”</p><p>Jess scoffed, sick of the lies and the games and the hurt she couldn’t fix. “That isn’t all he is though, right?”</p><p>There was that stillness again, the waiting tenseness as he opened his mouth to write off her comment.</p><p>She didn’t let him. “How long were you and Dean together? Before you left?”</p><p>Sam froze. His body grew tense, coiled and ready to spring forward or run away. Attack. “What… he’s my brother,” he managed.</p><p>Still with the lies. The ones he held so close, clung to. It was as if he would crumble if he didn't. She was certain that was closer to the truth than anyone would like to admit. “I found the box, Sam. the weird map, the occult books, the gun. I found the key in your drawer.” She breathed deeply, watching as each word crumbled something else off of him. He looked like shattered glass held together with a hoodie and hope. “I found the pictures, Sam.”</p><p>The stillness was back, and for a brief moment the rage was replaced with terror as he zeroed in on her. “You went through my stuff?” His eyes flashed with fury and he took a step toward her and she felt herself freeze. Not a predator stillness. Prey.</p><p>“Answer the question, Sam,” she deflected. “How long were you and Dean together?”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have gone through my stuff, Jess!”</p><p>The air between them thickened and tightened, choking her. She nodded finally and it snapped the tension as he seemed to fold in on himself. She had hurt him. Again. Pity welled then and she shook her head. “Sam, we’ve been together for two years,” she managed. “But I followed you, I saw you and Dean kiss when he slammed you into the floor,” she managed. “Sam… you have never once kissed me the way that you kissed Dean.” she whispered into the night and she suddenly moved forward. It was faster than she thought possible or maybe it was the weird charge in the air. Suddenly, her arms were around him and she squeezed him as tightly as she could, a keening whimper dragging itself out of Sam’s throat at the contact.</p><p>“I love you, Sam,” she said simply into the quiet of the room, the honest confession soothing some darkness in his face. “But you’ve never looked at me like you look at Dean. You shouldn’t let him go. Shouldn’t let that go.”</p><p>Sam gave a short, sad broken laugh and shook his head as he kissed her hair, “I already did.”</p><p>Jess huffed and squeezed him again, “Well he’s back now, and you’re going to go with him to find your dad. Maybe you can get him back… look go. It’s late. Go with Dean,” she ordered as she rose on her toes to kiss his cheek and met his eyes. "Look we'll talk about it when you get back, just come home after you find your dad... and bring Dean with you."</p><p>Sam stared at her, his eyes swimming with a glimmer of tears, hope, misery. But the shadows were gone as he bent to kiss her deeply before pulling away to disappear out the front door with a quiet click.</p><p>Jess took a shuddering breath and wiped her face, feeling a hundred years old as the weight of the confessions settled around her and the shadows darkened in the corners of the room and her mind. She moved to the front windows, looking out between the goodwill curtains as Sam spilled out of the front door and crossed the street to the black classic car that Dean was leaning against. She watched silently as he approached his brother, tossing his bag in the trunk while Dean slipped into the driver’s seat. Sam looked up and met her eyes before walking up and sliding into the passenger seat, the door closing and obscuring his body. She watched as Sam and Dean stared at each other before Sam leaned over to kiss Dean.</p><p>He leaned back into his seat with a small smile as the car took off. Jess watched until it turned the corner, and the flair of tail lights disappeared. They would figure it out. As soon as Sam and Dean came back.</p><p>Sunday.</p>
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